Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
