I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize