Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
