I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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