I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
