Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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