i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
