just come out here and I will go home with you...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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