Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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