You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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