I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
