this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
