dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
