he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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