Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
