I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
