no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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