He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
