Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize