just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
