He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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