It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
