She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
