Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
