I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
