Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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