the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
