i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
