ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
