we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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