I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
