So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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