so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize