just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
