I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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