Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
