The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
