the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
