He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
