At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
