I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize