I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
