You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
