Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
