So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Did you just see the Batmobile???
worst night to have a conscience
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
