I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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