I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
