my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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