I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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