Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
