I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
