He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
