Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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