apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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