i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
