what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
