Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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