Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize