Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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