I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
