On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
