i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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