i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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