I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
