i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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