hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize