I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
