She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
